Fighting Against Myself

As I’ve tried to reflect more on my life, I’ve been able to uncover more about myself. Some of it has repressed memories. Some of it has been things more current. I’ve begun to think about my mind as two Bens, each fighting with the other. 

The first Ben is the sedentary person I’ve been for most of my life. Basically doing anything requires a concerted effort. Historically, this also meant things even down to cleanliness of myself and my space. This Ben just didn’t see the point in putting in this effort. After all, we put in all this effort and we just end up dead at the end anyways, right? 

This Ben was bred from a life in which he was always told that he was less than. After all, when you’re always told that you will always be a “fat fuck who will be a failure” then what does anything matter? We’re just going through the motions of life until we meet our inevitable demise. 

First Ben always had a chip on his shoulder. After years of mistreatment, whether it was kids at school or his own parents, I built myself up to never trust anyone. After all, people aren’t to be trusted. They’re always talking about you behind your back, they don’t really like you and just ‘tolerate’ you. 

Even in relationships I was always a little hesitant to trust or talk about anything. I was with my first partner for thirteen years and always bottled in everything. I didn’t want to share what could break what I felt was a tenuous relationship because in my mind I made in tenuous. 

Then there is this second Ben. That Ben has always been deep down in there, but dormant for so long. This is the Ben who embraces happiness. This is the Ben that strives for fitness, creativity, and success. Over the years this Ben would peek out at times, but eventually always became overpowered by the other Ben who stomped him down with negativity.

Then there was a moment in 2016 when, working with my coach, I began to see more of the second Ben.  Even when the first Ben would come out, the second Ben would kick back and push hard. This was the Ben who felt for once in his life that maybe he could succeed. I was hanging with right cohorts, I was getting good at sports, and I knew all the slang I would need to know. I wasn’t just losing weight, I was getting strong. That strength gave me confidence I hadn’t had before. More than that, though, I had someone in my life who believed in me; Coach Andrew believed I could achieve these things and wouldn’t let me give less than my full capacity each day.

Then I moved to Richmond. That’s when things went off the rails a bit. I was in an amazing relationship, but I was in a new city and didn’t have a clear direction in my fitness journey. My insecurities began coming forward again, giving First Ben more power.  I was still working out regularly, but without focus and insecurities rising, eating disorders started coming out again and cause my weight to go up, creating a snowball effect of depression, anxiety, and angst.

After roaming around the fitness world in Richmond for a while, I decided to dare and try Crossfit. I found a gym that would become my regular gym since. I worked with Coach Jacob at the beginning of the year since I didn’t have any prior exposure to olympic lifting. It was the first time in a long time that I was working with a coach that I thought “got it”; someone who understood not just where I was, but where I had been and where I really wanted to go. 

Once the pandemic lockdowns ended, I got back in and started working out with classes and personal training, pushing myself hard. Then the year rolled over, and the pandemic marched on. Just opening the news created stress. I had high stress at work. I was feeling stressed across the board, and suddenly First Ben was rearing his head more and more. 

So here we are, five years after my fitness journey began and the “Second Ben” really became a prominent part of me, with the two parts of me fighting for dominance. The thing is, until I started really focusing on my inner me I never realized this internal struggle was so prominent throughout my life. For the first four decades, I allowed that first Ben to control the situation.

That second Ben, the Phoenix rising from the ashes over and over, is stronger in the end. I know that will be the Ben that will win out in the end, but the battle rages on. As I go down this new path of discovering myself more and bringing each side to the surface, I have no doubt there will be an all-out slugfest between the two Ben’s coming. I know that as long as I stay focused, see inside myself, and bring out the person I want to become, that the strong Ben will win. The Phoenix will always rise, higher each time.