I Don't Identify As My Age
I started worrying about turning forty about the time I turned 35. I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I didn't see it as "mid-life" but as "near-death".
The truth is that when I was 35 the idea of turning forty probably meant being a lot closer to death. Even then, I assumed I wouldn't live far past 40. I was overweight, depressed, and pretty much agonizing over my life on a constant basis; I was in some ways ready to leave the Earth then.
I felt like I had to stick around because of my mother; the one thing I couldn't do to her is to leave her early and burden her with that level of guilt of her son taking his own life. When she passed last year, I sat quietly for a moment reflecting; if it hadn't been for the changes I made in my life, this would be the time I would accept a willingness to go. I'm infinitely thankful for the changes I made which had me going on.
When just under two months ago I turned 40, it came and went and I honestly didn't give it much thought. Having moved to a new city, we had a small recognition of my birthday with an awesome dinner and dessert from a local bakery. My stress level just wasn't there; the day I had been dreading for a half-decade had come and gone and it barely registered.
As I thought about why I realized a very simple truth. I don't identify as my age. I don't identify myself as a forty-year-old. Instead of thinking of myself as this 40-something guy, I am still in the mindset that I am a 'young' person. Is this denial? No. It's simply a fact that mentally I don't consider myself 'old'.
I'm not a family person; I don't kids. I don't own a house, I am happy renting a flat in an urban area. I am someone who watches cartoons and enjoys Pop-Tarts and bowls of cereal and video games. I read comic books. I'm probably what you would consider the definition of a "man-child" and I own the title proudly.
Two years ago I was looking towards death; I was just turning 38 and still thinking that I wasn't going to survive well into my forties. A year ago that changed and I started powerlifting. Recently I changed gears and said, "hey, I'm going to be a bodybuilder!" Not a weightlifter, but working towards getting "jacked", "swole", and other adjectives that describe the goals of people half my age.
I've committed myself to this "bodybuilder" goal. It's not something I went into lightly. It's something I've wanted for a long time. I will not let my age impact my goals, I will not let my age dictate to me what I can and can not achieve. Does it mean my body may take longer to recover? Yes. Does it mean I can't achieve my goals? No.
Truth is, since I started working out just over two years ago, I've beat my body up quite a bit. From the first Bootcamp class that I took where my heart rate spiked to 202bpm (yeah, that probably wasn't a good starter program) to working my way up to 400+ squats and deadlifts and doing regular HIIT sessions of an hour or more. I don't stop, I don't relent, and I won't.
I may be 40, but I don't feel 40. It still pleases me when people refer to me as "a millennial" or mistake me for someone in my late 20s or early 30s. It's all about how you feel, and what you want from life. Will you accept "perceived limitations" or will you push against the sands of time and say "this is who I want to be!" I will always take the latter.
I fought hard to be alive today. I went down to ashes and rose as a phoenix. With the help of a few people, I saw that life was worth living and moved heaven and earth to make it one that is truly worthwhile. I've gotten some amazing things in my life in the last two years; friends, relationships, and health. Now I'm ready to push to the next level.
