Never has it been described so well. A supercomputer from Japan that solves all of my problems. That’s exactly what I need embedded into my brain. Something to clear the noise and just tell me exactly what I should be doing.

Recently I’ve taken a brief break away from my ‘fitness journey’ and it has allowed me time to be introspective about my goals in ways I haven’t been previously. For example, I’ve been journaling brief journal entries each day, thinking about what I’ve accomplished and what I want to achieve moving forward.

When I began my fitness journey, I was very much lost in what I was doing. I was so fortunate to find someone who finally “got me” in terms of building habits. He met me where I was and helped me move forward in ways I never imagined. More than anything, More than anything, he did what no one had ever done… made me truly excited to work out. He got me doing things I never imagined I would ever do and challenged me to challenge myself.

Fast forward a couple of years and I move to Richmond. I find a couple of really good coaches at Crunch. Amazing actually, exposing me to new ideas beyond the baseline I’ve already built. Like most chain gyms, they didn’t stick around too long but what I learned from them I still use today. One taught me that there can be balance between aesthetics, strength, calisthenics, and other forms of fitness. The other taught me that strength is more than just 3 lifts and putting up big numbers.

Due to some feelings of burnout, I decided to take a break from that type of lifting and focus on conditioning work, leading me to F45. There was, once again, one particular person who really influenced by fitness journey heavily. In a sea of people, he was always willing to step in and help me as much as he could and I benefited. However, the vast majority of my time there was not him coaching and a lot of chaos befitting that environment.

Then in early 2020 I decided to try Crossfit. Went to a Crossfit gym that wasn’t as Crossfit as the other Crossfit gyms in the area.

(Does that make sense? Let’s assume it does and keep moving, we’ve got a blog post to get through here and you’re probably already sick of me reminiscing and want me to get the point. Almost there!)

CrossFit was fun. It was interesting. I learned so much. The coach I worked with post-lockdown in 2020 really pushed me out of my comfort zone and I made some good progress on a lot of fronts. 2021 sort of came and went and I maintained, as I have done for most of this year. Got some good deadlift improvements, improved my squat depth, and pushed hard. It was also a time when the workouts were heavily ‘drag your dick through the dirt’ style Crossfit, especially in the latter part of 2021 and into early 2022.

I decided I didn’t want to do the programming the gym had when I got back from Camp Nerd Fitness. I explained it to my coach, and we went on a different program. Due to some additional changes at the gym, I decided about five weeks ago to take a break, which began a couple of weeks ago.

(Ok, I promised we were going to get to the point. Here it comes!)

At first I was scrambling to find a gym. Then I took a step back and decided to put it all on hold, do some baseline fitness stuff, and regroup myself mentally. Going back through old journal entries, photos, etc. made me think about where I’ve been, the journey thus far, and where I want to go moving forward.

It all circled back to when I saw Hamilton on stage in New York, and so it’s all Lin Manuel Miranda’s fault.

I started thinking about how amazed I was at the dancers in particular in the performance. They looked good, they moved amazingly. You could tell they were strong, they were athletic, and they had a confidence that comes from doing something in front of that many people eight times a week for months on in.

Growing up I always wanted to be that theatre kid. When I saw this show, it reinforced that. It also reinforced to me where I lacked. Amazingly, I can still close my eyes and think back to that day and see all the performers on stage.

Everything since has been trying to get back to that moment. (Not literally, of course, this isn’t a bad early 2000’s movie directed by a washed up actor, for fuck sakes.)

I’ve sort of bounced around on my goals a lot. Honestly, as someone with autism I tend to also mirror those around me and mask my true goals. This is further rooted in childhood trauma of always being told I could never do these things… but that’s an issue for a Very Special Blog Post with a 90s vibe that will be written in the future. In the end, I have always known exactly what I wanted since that evening on March 27, 2017. Five years later, I’m finally able to admit this.

It’s funny because I have always been embarrassed about my goals. I’ve been embarrassed to admit what they were because I felt people would judge me for them. Say I was ‘stroking my ego’ by having these goals because some of it is movement based for my own desires of movement, aesthetics based for my own desires of aesthetics. Then there was a moment a week ago when I’m at a friend’s house hanging out a few people (including one of my old coaches) and I just said, “hey if I want my goals to be a athletic guy who can move awesome with huge arms and big man titties then that’s my prerogative.”

So how about that for a mission statement? Pretty bold for a introverted autistic kid, huh?

My goal. My mission. My “big why”. In the end my goals have to be focussed on what I want to achieve, what I want to do, and how it will help me in my larger life goals.

Be strong, move fast, squat deep, and do it with big guns and bouncing man titties.

This is in line with my mantra… Positive Vibes. Work Hard. Be Untamed.

#LFG