One of my goals over the past couple of years has to been to find more comfort in my body. I need to learn to live in this body because it is the only one I have. Until robot replacements are invented, of course.

My weight has fluctuated over the years a lot. I've gone from "kinda chubby" to "well, you're almost on TLC" and back. I weigh more now than I did in 2017, but not by a lot (more than I would prefer), but I move way better than I did then. I'm probably healthier now in my body than I have ever been in my entire life.

When I was really young, probably elementary school was the earliest, I had an obsession with muscularity. After all, I was a child of the 80s; the era of He-Man and Swartzenegger was bound to mess with my perceptions of the human body a little bit. I still remember seeing this drawing of a muscular kid in my 5th-grade textbook and being fascinated by it. 

I tried going into the weight room a few times as I went through school. I remember in high school wanting to go in there and lift weights, but all the football players and wrestlers were in there, and they were already so fit. Here I was a fat kid who just dreamed of being fit.

Over time I accepted my weight. Then there was a moment in my early 20s when I wanted to 'get thin'. After all, I'm a gay guy in the late 90s wanting to fit into Abercrombie pants. I basically did a ton of cardio and very basic weight lifting. The end result was that I got to a pretty decent weight but my body fat was still high. I wasn't even skinny fat. I wasn't happy. I had some loose skin then.

Over the next few years, I would begin to gain that weight back. My body slowly expanding year over year. Eventually, I would be well over 400 pounds and barely move on most days. Walking up steps would make me gasp, and I'd have to stop mid-way up to catch my breath.

When I found my fitness lifestyle, I dropped a lot of weight. What I didn't gain was a ton of confidence. I was still 'fat' in my mind, just less fat than I was. 

I still had these dreams in the back of my mind that I might build one of those super muscular bodies one day. I saw the Marvel stars doing it, so why couldn't I? All I had to do was put in some work and I could look like a Chris.

As I got deeper into the fitness world, I learned how many of those folks are actually on various PEDs. I'm not going to lie. I've been tempted on more than one occasion. In the end, I've pulled myself back because I care about my body to not want to die early; ironic for someone with two attempts on their own life. I built this life back from the brink more than once. After all, why give it up for fleeting aesthetic reasons.

Eventually, I accepted that the idea of the super muscular body wasn't going to happen in my life. It was just how it was, and I moved on to other things. 

The thing is, I didn't move on completely. Sure, I'd given up being one of those guys on Instagram who are year-round lean and jacked af, but I still wanted a particular body type. I knew I wanted some muscle on me built up, just not a ton of it like I used to. 

More than wanting that muscle, though, was my insecurity about loose skin. As I continued to lose body fat and lean down, especially as I refocused on athleticism and movement vs. pure strength, I found the loose skin bothered me. I always told myself I'd wear it as a badge of honor, but it still bothers me.

So between the loose skin and the general desire for a specific build, I've been trying to put in some hypertrophy work here and there. In particular, working with my coach to integrate it more with my workouts to try to put on some size and fill out areas where I have loose skin. Will it mitigate it completely? Of course not. However, knowing that building some bulk and filling in a little bit here and there helps me mentally accept my body.

Aesthetics can't be the one thing I can focus on. I know that deep down in my heart. It's just not who I am as a person. I also know I need to accept who I am and my body for what it is. I've been so much better lately at that. At the end of the day, sometimes our dreams don't go away more than they go to the background. 

I know I'll never be TikTok/IG famous for my body. I don't think I'd want to even if I could. It just helps a little for me to know that I can move the needle a little bit and close the gap on the loose skin, which helps mitigate the emotional pain. 

These days I don't hate my body. I'm happy to have made it this far. One day I think I'll be satisfied with it, loose skin and all. One day when I am at a place where I feel more confident, I feel like I can belong in a group of people. Until then, I'll do the little things to make me feel better about it and continue to work on loving myself.