As I've been spending time reflecting on myself more lately, I've come to a realization that I am a very negative person. I mean, honestly this doesn't come as a surprise to myself since I think I've always felt this way.

Now, this is not to say I am a negative person against everyone, but I've discovered just how negative I am to myself. Over the years, I think I've just taught myself that this is the way I am, that it is just what I deserve, and that I wasn't really deserving of more.

For the longest time I was told that if I wasn't making everyone else around me happy, then I wasn't really deserving of, well, anything.

Some people see the world as a glass half full. Others see it as a glass half empty. Some days, I see it as a tepid pool with a carp floundering around. I get angry at people I don't even know despite knowing I can't in any way influence their behaviors. I get mad at the world for being unfair to people. I get upset when things don't go perfectly my way. More than anything, though, I get mad at myself when I don't achieve the things I want to achieve and do it in less than 24 hours. After all, if I'm not perfect at it instantly than I must be bad at it and so must not even try.

Reflecting on myself has taught me that I do have worth. Despite the barriers I have had in life, I've been able to overcome them. Growing up in poverty, I feel like I'm at least breaking into the middle class. A friend recently remarked about the trauma I've had in my life, and I chuckled and said it hadn't been that bad. Then I thought about it, and realized there was a lot more trauma I just wasn't admitting to myself.

I'm reminded of the "three questions" concept to look for yourself:

1. Who am I?

2. Who do I want to be?

3. What do I do to become who I want to be?

I've been tackling these questions for the last couple of months. Looking for my Big Why, and ultimately who I want to become. So my amazing coach did an exercise with me recently, asked me a simple question of who I was. After some back and forth, and a very negative answer at first, I came up with a positive answer. It's this:

Who Am I?
Ben is a creative, gamer, data nerd, and fitness enthusiast.

Who Do I Want To Be?
I want to become a jacked strong gamer who streams, draws, picks up heavy af shit and looks fucking epic doing it.

How Do I Get There?
What that looks like is that I am consistently streaming on a weekly basis, gaming at least a few days a week, dedicating time to draw several times a week, I am strong, sub-15% bodyfat and happily wearing a tank top to show the beast body off.

Honestly, it was a bit of an eye opener into my true self going through this. It also reinforced to myself how hard it is for to admit what I want to be because, quite honestly, I'm embarrassed by it to some extent. I was always told that my aspirations weren't valid, that my dreams were just dreams. I've learned that it isn't the case, and if I put my mind to it and commit myself, I can achieve what I want.

This blog post is probably the first time I've publicly talked about my goals in very specific objectives, the first time being honest about who I want to be. What I've learned is making myself vulnerable is a first step towards being whole with myself. This is what I want to become, this is who I want to be.

So now that I've admitted it to myself, to my coach, and to everyone, its time for me to make it happen. It's time for me to put aside the negativity, focus on the things I can control in my life, do the things I truly love to do, and become the person I've always wanted to be. It's time for me to love myself, understand I can't be great at something overnight, and work consistently towards my goals. Most important, it's time for me to embrace a positive side of life and live life to the fullest every day.

Let's Fucking Go!