Out of the Shadows
I’ve had a lanyard hanging from a lamp since I moved into my current apartment. This lanyard has been carried with me and hanging from various objects for the last four years.
The lanyard represents something to me; it represents my efforts to become a better person. It represents me trying to be more than I am. As I looked at the lanyard today, I thought about the time four years ago when I put it around my neck, and I thought about the last few years and I had mixed emotions.
When I began my journey into fitness a little over four and a half years ago, I didn’t know what was coming. You never do. What I did know was that I had to do something, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t live to see 40. I knew things had to change.
I think back to those days, the struggles I had even to do simple tasks like getting off the floor. We’re not talking about leaping off the floor from a knelt position, but just the difficulty in getting from the floor to a standing position. My body ached all the time, and there were days I just didn’t want to get out of bed. It hurt to live.
The first six months were definitely the hardest. Mobility issues were problematic. I couldn’t brace myself, I could barely hold myself upright at times. I felt like I was in a constant state of falling over.
Eventually I overcame some of these issues and began lifting heavier and heavier, and weight was coming off. Finally, I was making progress towards a healthier life.
The culmination of the first 10 months was Camp Nerd Fitness. I registered for that, because it was intended to be a big challenge for me. Something to set a target date on, but also a challenge to begin overcoming some of my fears such as nature.
When I was there, I learned a lot of things. I also learned a lot about myself. While my physical change began 10 months ago, this was the beginning of mental changes. I had spent my entire life being beaten down by family and school mates that left me always seeking approval but never feeling like I was getting it. It was there I began to realize that I had to become my own champion. “Be Your Own Hero.”
As I look back on those days four years ago, I realize I’ve gone away from some of those ideals. Straying from the course, I have allowed myself to fall back into old habits of self deprecation and self hate. I gained weight back I had previously lost, and allowed myself to stray from the road.
The last seven months has been a big change for me. Getting back into lifting with barbells after taking a year away focused on “general fitness” and basically having crap for diet. It started off rough, and I signed up to spend some time with the coach at the gym practicing olympic lifting one on one. I began to enjoy fitness again, and then… COVID-19 happened.
Shutdowns. The world halted. It was as if time stood still, and I could see droplets of rain suspended in mid-air. The world became a haze to me. I was going through the motions, but I was numb.
I was doing home workouts and keeping myself active. I borrowed equipment from the gym. I bought pieces here and there when it was available, but it wasn’t the same. It was like I had found a home again in January, and had it yanked away in March. For the first time in a long time, I felt focused and with purpose, and it was gone just as fast.
Eventually, the lockdowns began to be softened. We’ve begun to go back to our lives, as best we can. We’re being much safer than we used to, we’re wearing masks, we’re practicing physical distancing, but we’re still living our lives again. If during the lockdowns time stood still, the rain has been slowly falling from the sky again. Droplets hitting my face and streaming down, albeit slowly.
I began to return to the gym, carefully. I was cautious going back in, but also knew that I needed to return, if nothing else but for my mental health. With a lot of things closed still, with restaurants primarily for take-away, and with stores basically being hotbeds of angry people who refuse to practice basic human kindness and wear a mask, the gym became my outlet each day. Weighing the risk, I decided it was worth the risk but still approached everything with a bit of care.
I had five one-on-one sessions I had paid for before the lockdown. We began to schedule those, and Coach Jacob and I began to work on strength, moving away from olympic lifting. After three months away, it was expected that some strength would be lost so this was an opportunity to rebuild some of that.
Once we got back into it, doing 1 heavy lift per day and the rest as group classes, I began to reacclimatize and slowly the world began to show itself to me again. Darkness began to turn to light. After we finished those five weeks, I decided to pay for another five. Let’s just get some momentum.
After the first week, I had this moment. Hope was returning, and I was feeling stronger again. I was feeling like me and that felt good. So I pinged Coach and said, “let’s do two next week” just to try to push up the effort I was putting in. Then the next week, I said we should do the two in a week again, closing out those five sessions.
I was hitting my stride. I was feeling good, feeling strong, and I wanted to do more. So I said to Coach, “let’s keep this up… 2x a week, every week.” I am now getting back into heavy lifting combined with strength/conditioning group coaching classes.
As I continue to get stronger I remember back to those days four years ago, that week I was probably at the most peace and joyful in my life. That week I let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable. Then I connect it with something my coach frequently tells me, “be comfortable being uncomfortable.” I can’t improve if I don’t push myself to my limits and beyond.
The last few years I have felt like I have been living in the shadows of 2016. That year, the first year of my fitness journey, was probably one of the most impactful parts of my life. I made friends, felt better about myself, and challenged myself to do things I have never done before.
Now it is time to step out of those shadows. To feel happiness again, to let down my guard and build up myself, and to once again ‘Be My Own Hero’.
I moved that lanyard to somewhere more visible today, somewhere I will always see it every day, so it will remind me every day to be my own hero and to push myself beyond my own perceived boundaries. It’s time for me to come from darkness and into light. It’s time for me to push myself to be the man I’ve been wanting to be for the last four and a half years.
I’ve got to own this. Be bold faced, be daring, or never own it at all. I always remind myself I am a Phoenix, and no matter how much I burn to ashes, I shall always rise stronger. Let’s get it!
