Totes Natty, Broham
I’m completely natural. I know, I know… it’s a complete shock to you, right?
No one will mistake me for a steroid user. I had someone ask me once if I used steroids, and I thought back to something my old trainer and I agreed… “Yeah, if I did I’d be a lot more jacked and a hell of a lot leaner than I am.” No, I am not using steroids. No, I am not on hormone replacement therapy.
I’ve mentioned on this blog before about my feelings of what I might have been like had been all-in on fitness when I was younger…
I told one of my best friends recently that I am probably lucky I didn’t shoot for the stars of that body so many years ago. The truth is, young guys who want to achieve those types of physiques pump so many chemicals into their bodies that the Dow Corning plant is probably thinking, “yeah, that’s a bit too much.” They do it through a combination of raging testosterone, raging stupidity, and a sense of invincibility. We’re all stupid when we’re teenagers.
As I mentioned then, I always had an admiration for bodybuilders. My body dysmorphia I know is primarily driven by the desire to stand out in the crowd, since I spent most of my life being beat down for being overweight or never meeting the expectations of my family.
Source: Tumblr
So when I was scrolling through Tumblr recently, I came across this post which was in my feed as a “recommended post”, most likely because I “like” quite a few fitness posts. I read through this post with a combination of interest, amazement, and disgust.
“I want to make an impression with my mass.” I think this pretty much summed up what I view as the core of my body dysmorphia. I’ve always thought that “if I had swole” then I would make an impression and that people would respect, desire, and fawn over me.
Reading through this also reinforced to me a lot of what has been going through my mind over the years. I wanted acceptance, and I dreamed of getting this from “mass” and impress people with big muscles.
I never got that far, though. I always started down fitness and then backed off and ended up more overweight than before. It was a cycle that I wouldn’t break until recently.
Over the last few years, I’ve been focused on getting healthier. I’ve said it then, and I’ve said it now… no, I will not do drugs to get to my goals. It will take longer, it will be more work, but I will not sacrifice my long term health for short term “gains”. As I read through the Tumblr post, it completely reinforced this for me. Could I have been this person 20 years ago in some of the most vulnerable parts of my life? Asbo-freaking-lutely.
This isn’t me today. As I read through this, I’ve realized how removed I am from this mindset now. I think my body dysmorphia has morphed from being less about getting attention and more to wanting to prove to myself I can do amazing things if I put my mind to it. When I walk into the gym tomorrow, it will be coming from a place of positivity because of this post, because this Tumblr post “recommended” made me realize and remember what I’m really trying to accomplish, and it definitely isn’t this!
I’m focused on functional fitness, rebuilding my body, getting healthier and more mobile every day. It’s why I do F45 and combine that with some “heavier” lifts. I know if I continue to build the base, I can resume shedding body fat and get the physique I want. More importantly, I will be moving faster, better, and be stronger than ever with endurance to match. Ben the Athlete… I must always remind myself of that phrase that Coach Andrew said which made me smile from ear to ear; Ben the Athlete. Finally. I won’t go back to less.
I must Be Untamed and get to my goals. Let’s hit it!
