It has certainly been an interesting year in my fitness journey. It’s been an up and down journey. Part of the reason I decided to start blogging about it again was because I felt the need to right the ship that hit a huge iceberg. (That’s honestly probably a bit dramatic, but if I’m not being overly dramatic I’m not being me.)

It started off as a normal year. Was doing some focused lifting on getting my core lifts up. Then I decided to switch things up because I was getting bored and felt like I was in a rut. I began doing a more functional fitness focus on F45.

Doing F45 has really helped me overall. When I do my heavier lifts, my squats are deeper. When I deadlift, my form is tighter. In general I’m more flexible and find myself able to move better.

It has also exposed something, specifically my fear of failure. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t come naturally. It was something that had to be worked at, that beat me down, and something that made me feel bad about myself, quite honestly.

When I began my fitness journey a few years ago, I found something in picking heavy things up. It was like a fish being thrown in water, and it just clicked. Pick up heavy thing! I can do that. I felt like it was something I was doing very well and I enjoyed it. I also felt stiff and sore all the time. I shed a good deal of weight and got really strong, but I never really got the “physique” side I wanted to achieve. I did, however, change my mentality greatly on that front. I no longer was just focused on appearance.

During my days I was doing “powerlifting”, I also did functional cardio. I hadn’t done it a while, but when I went into F45 the first time my first thought was, “I can do this, I’ve done this before.” It wasn’t pretty. I was gasping for air. Not only was my conditioning shot from the prior couple of years of focusing on solely lifting, this was harder than any functional cardio class I took previously. That's was story mode, this was the hardcore mode where you only get three hearts to beat the level.

Over the course of the next few months, it got better. Not “great”, but better. I was getting back into my groove. I was feeling like me again, for a short while at least. I was doing lifts in the afternoon, classes at F45 in the morning, and it was a good feeling and rhythm.

I started getting a little bit of burnout, but I could push through it. Then one day, I received a message from my step brother telling me something I had not expected; that my father had passed away.

At first I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel. When I lost my mother 3 years ago, I was shattered to a million little pieces. If it hadn’t been for the people around me at the time, especially my coach Andrew, I don’t know how I would have dealt with it honestly. I was very lucky that my gym community was also there to support me and help me through it. This time, however, I didn’t quite have that broken feeling.

Instead of a broken feeling, I had more of an empty feeling. It wasn’t sadness, per se. More of just a loneliness. This was a man who was extremely religious and treated me pretty badly in my life, always distant and abandoned since my parents divorced when I was five. I was often a pawn in my parents fight. Even stil, with his passing it meant I was now officially alone in the world with no parents. They were both gone, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with that mentally or emotionally.

In turn this triggered some part of depression in me. I didn’t full realize it at the time, but this was definitely a depression trigger. I didn’t want to really do anything. I was always tired. I was always bored and not wanting to do things. I began to scale back what I was doing on all fronts. I stopped meal prepping. I slowed down on my afternoon lifts. I started skipping F45 sessions, particularly the harder cardio sessions. I wasn’t working out to my normal schedule, I wasn’t really doing much of anything. It was more of a muddling through than anything.

I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. Despite what you might hear, it’s real. It’s not just a sadness, but more of a mental emptiness that drains you of a desire to do things. Part of what I think might have been problematic this time was that I felt like I was lacking direction in life, especially fitness. While I go into F45 and get direction from the coaches for a 45 minute block, it isn’t a long term planning effort to drive me towards my goals.

This week began the new round of the F45 challenge. I decided I would use this as an opportunity to get myself going again. I knew I had to do something to overcome this sense of being directionless. So I signed up and did the assessment. It reminded me that I am still not near where I want to be physically, both in physique and in ability.

All of this has reminded me why I like having a coach specific to my needs. I don’t need someone I meet with all the time, but I like having a coach to sort of point me in a direction. I’m fairly point-and-shoot when it comes to fitness, but it’s nice to have someone guiding me. If my previous coaches knew anything, it was that they could just tell me to jump and I’d ask how high.

So this week I began getting back to normal. Getting all of my F45 classes in and ensuring my activity rings are closed every day on my Apple Watch. I did a couple lifts, nothing major, at the bigger gym as well. Next week I’ll increase that activity. While I work on ramp this up, I’ve begun considering seeking out a new coach, even if it is a virtual coach. Just someone to tell me to get my ass in gear and give me a little direction to achieve my goals.

Have my goals changed? Not too much. Physically, I’m less “swole obsessed” these days and more ability focused. I’d rather have a little bit of bulk and be able to move well, squat, jump, and lean into life than “get those mad gainz” that I was so focused on. I also realized that wasn’t going to be a feasible goal when I know everyone I saw in Instagram I was using as “fitspiration” was on a Tumblr of Steroids. I refuse to sacrifice my love for a short term physical appearance.

I’m refocusing my efforts on hitting specific goals while continuing to work on my physiques. Getting my compound lifts heavier will be a big component, but so will the athleticism piece. Finally hitting that bodyweight pull-up, for example, or being able to jump on plyoboxes with confidence. Being able to lunge jump confidently. Get better at long jumping without my feet killing me with every workout. Be the athlete I’ve dreamed about being my entire life. I know I can do it, it will just take effort, time, and dedication.

I can do this. No matter what life throws at me, I come back better. Burn me to the ground, I will rise up stronger. I won’t let anything get in my way. Phoenix Rising!